Playoff baseball in Florida. Aloof as Abner Doubleday foretold in his hallucinations. It begins appropriate now as Cole “Settled In” Hamels and Scott “Dialed In” Kazmir will pitch. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver will acquaint you what you already knew on the Fox broadcast. And this piece? Well, I alarm it “Lick My Adulation Jump.” * * *Bottom 9th 3
2It’s afterwards midnight, so it’s time for bed, children. Thanks for exhausted and accounting and refreshing. But mostly refreshing. I’ll see every one of you (metaphorically, until Gawker’s tech guys can install about-face cameras in the website) actuality tomorrow. 12:01 — Pedro Feliz trips astern into the abhorrent pop fly, which he appropriately catches. (It’s consistently “appropriate” aback some guy gets the final out. Lidge saves the day yet again, and the Philbins are now 6-0 in Deadspin Alive Blogs. This is starting to get weird. 11:59 — Tim calls Lidge’s slider abroad a “cement mixer.” That gives him a adorable abstraction for a new alloyed drink. Two genitalia scotch, one allotment rosin, and afflicted application a Spirograph. 11:58 — Evan Longoria goofily lunges at his third strike. Off you go. 11:55 — Brad Lidge 2.0 starts the inning off appropriately with a third bang that Peña can alone admire. Bartering Break Let’s see if WebMD has the answers I charge … [types in “satan raped me”] Hmm … that doesn’t admonition me too much. Top 9th 11:51 — Ah, a pop to added won’t move anyone home. Lidge’s allowance of absurdity charcoal fragile. 11:49 — Bruntlett has the bristles ability of Matt Stairs, but acutely his biscuits-and-gravy assimilation needs work. 11:47 — Captain Planet needs you, Dan Wheeler! Eric Bruntlett has a blatant history of littering. You apperceive what to do. 11:45 — Miller absolutely blitzkriegs Howard’s at bat on the alfresco corner, and he gets accretion afterwards eight years of revenge. Now Maddon will accoutrements off his LOOGY for addition who can aftermost added than six pitches a night. 11:42 — Ah, this is what we’ve been cat-and-mouse for. Trever Miller adjoin his above team. All the bad claret comes bottomward to this. (Well, c’mon, this 9th inning is like a Dramamine smoothie. Addition needs to applesauce it up.) 11:40 — Joe Maddon will instead let Balfour accord up a bifold to Jayson Werth and airing Utley — but with the SHIFT ON! — and afresh cull him. 11:36 — Joe Maddon will opt to let Balfour abide owning Phillies hitting late. Basal 8th 3
211:32 — Nuh-uh. Upton swings and leaves the aberrant adumbration men on base. 11:28 — Iwamura’s fourth hit? Pssh. It’s absolutely a fly to right. But now Upton FINALLY bats with cipher on base, so that abandoned attack is aloof about the corner, idnit? 11:22 — Ryan Madson will be the eighth inning overfunded pork parrel “Bridge To Lidge” for tonight. Top 8th 11:19 — Balfour was promised a chargeless Vegemite cowbell if he got 7-8-9 in order. He was adored properly. Bartering Break Aloof so I accept my oversaturated commercials in order, “Routan Boom” is Fox’s latest hit appearance advancing this fall. “Silverado” affection you attending for in a ablaze beer. And Frank Caliendo does a dead-on-but-not-hilarious consequence of a abundance taco. Basal 7th 3
211:14 — Hamels hangs in the d continued abundant to pimp bang the basal of the adjustment one added time. 11:10 — Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon brilliant in, Bristles Years Ago We’d Be In Better Films. With Jon Voight in a throwaway role? You bet your bargain amphitheater admission he is! Seventh Inning Stretch Entertainment Really, if I said annihilation added than “monkey” and “segway” at this juncture, and you didn’t watch this video, is there annihilation abroad I could accept done?
Top 7th, Still 11:04 — Balfour, the Australian, was brought in to angle to Victorino, the switch-hitting Hawaiian. It’s because they’re a anniversary other, isn’t it? If there was a Guamanian in the bullpen, they’d accept acclimated him. But Balfour K’s Victorino to, again, accomplish a baserunner bawl by not scoring. Bartering Break 11:01 — Taco Bell absolutely wants to attack with restaurants like Ruth’s Chris by adage “why accept a small-looking steak that tastes abundant aback you can accept this big burrito thing, the alone additive of which that has any comestible agreeable whatsoever is apparently the tortilla?” But hey, they’re accessible late! Top 7th 10:59 — Pat Burrell walking is area for Howell’s abatement from the mound. Grant Balfour, GET YOUR ASS UP THERE. 10:55 — I don’t affliction who you are, accidental swearing best up on acreage microphones are great. Aback Utley was about best off on a breeze bandy to third, there was an errant, “Get outta here, god it!” I don’t apperceive the backstory, but it abiding is fun to dream. I brainstorm it’s a Tampa Bay Rays fan babble at his girlfriend. How is he? He bought a allotment of Tampa commodity in 2007. 10:51 — Chase Utley steals second. Anybody gets chargeless Fazoli’s breadsticks. 10:49 — Joe Maddon and adjudicator Tim Welke attentive accede to disagree on the balk-no cramp on Hamels’ pickoff move to first. “I accept what you’re saying” was accurate by both gentlemen. The glassy gloves did not charge to appear off and abrade the abaft of either lad’s cheeks. Time for crumpets. I anticipate Greg Creed ability accept a few in his trousers. 10:49 — Scott Kazmir gets the Grady Little Seal Of Approval and charcoal in the game. [Edit: Oh, that’s JP Howell. Nevermind, I forgot Tampa Bay has 43 lefthanded pitchers.] Basal 6th 3
210:44 — Aw, Mr. Crawfish. Carl completes the black inning with a groundout. Lenny is crestfallen. 10:43 — Longoria looks at bang three while the boondocks adviser of technology, the bang area replay, shows it was inside. Well, technically, ALL of these pitches are inside, but that’s not important appropriate now. 10:42 — Never apperception the error. It’s wiped apple-pie by communicable him active to added and aloof almost throwing him out. Aloof almost throwing out Carlos Peña? Did Howard shot-put the brawl to second? 10:40 — How abounding bumbles and bobbles does it booty Ryan Howard to accomplish to acquiesce Peña to ability aboriginal on an error?
Top 6th 10:37 — Kazmir escapes the inning with basal damage, and will acknowledgment to the dugout to adjustment his bouncer and reload his phasers. But Chad “Groundhugger” Bradford and J.P. “Josephine” Howell were abating up on the sidelines. I’m cerebration Maddon should cull Kazmir. We saw how able-bodied that formed aftermost week. 10:35 — Coste ancestor up and Chris Myers has the absolute with the admiral of Taco Bell, Greg Creed. What’s that … an accent? Hey now, I anticipation Mexican aliment was an American thing! I’m so disillusioned. 10:33 — Maybe Kazmir’s weakness is the association with Z’s in their name. Pedro Feliz is giving him fits, and Ruiz has a airing and RBI. Quick, see if Todd Zeile wants one aftermost exhausted at the plate! Bartering Break PC’s credible acknowledgment to Mac commercials: “Oh yeah? Able-bodied WE accept laptops! Do you?” Basal 5th 3
210:28 — Ryan Howard battles a sea of inept easily aggravating to t a brawl (so THAT’s area aftermost year’s Tampa aggregation went!) and snares the abhorrent pop to abide Upton’s piss poor night at the plate. I don’t anticipate he deserves chargeless candy food. Do you? 10:27 — Can BJ Upton acquisition a way to get into a bifold comedy with two outs? He’ll accept to be creative, and if he pulls it off, we’ll time-warp into the sixth inning with one out on the scoreboard. 10:25 — Iwamura’s third hit is a gapper that drives in #9 Combo Meal, and it’s a one-run game. Now Bartlett can FINALLY arch to the bathroom. 10:22 — Aaand … a baseborn base. Taco Belltlett? Jason Burritolett? Whatever the case, the taco you will get for chargeless will be basal indigestible. 10:20 — Jason Bartlett has becoming Hamels’ account at the plate, and walks him for the added time tonight. 10:15 — Tim addendum that Dioner Navarro, like his backstop counterpart, Carlos Ruiz, is additionally from Venezuela. Now, there are so abounding absorbing angles you can booty on this one, but Tim opts for the “neither were drafted, because the abstract doesn’t go into Latin America” route. Added applicable options: • Neither can run for US Admiral • Neither grew up watching “Saved By The Bell” • Neither took the SAT • Neither were built-in in Panama • Neither voted adjoin Hugo Chavez 10:14 — Oh, I was absolutely activity to put that action cipher on my bingo card. I was three numbers off. Bartering Break A assignment in timing and technology. Ten years ago, a touchscreen computer would accept been amazing. Today, business a claimed computer with a blow adviser aloof looks like one can pretend they’re alive at a restaurant in their own home. Screw blow technology! Can it fit in my abridged and accelerate e-mail while on a train? Top 5th 10:09 — Burrell’s little squib hit is fielded by Kazmir, but Pat’s awkward anatomy gets in the way of the affable bandy to Peña, who can’t handle it. Somewhere, Chuck Knoblauch stops aggregate he’s accomplishing and argues with the man aing to him about how that should accept been interference. 10:09 — Two close, aing pitches to Burrell. And anybody agrees. The replay: WAY OFF THE PLATE. 10:07 — I’m appealing abiding I aloof saw a fan cutting a bequest Phils compatible banging a cowbell. Somebody abrupt him on what his percussive bulletin absolutely translates to in Tampa. 10:05 — Ryan Howard gets the abounding calculation walk. It was not a strike. That’s because there was not a swing! 10:03 — Joe: “That was a bad 3-0 swing.” Tim: “That’s because it was a bad 3-0 pitch.” [jams pen into forehead] Basal 4th 3
19:56 — And Aybar will … nah, aloof the one run for this inning. 9:54 — Afterwards two accelerated outs, a chat with Rich Dubee is disconnected by his bullpen acceptance a adjudicator to Carl Crawford. Too bad I don’t anticipate it was live, abroad I’d adulation to accept had acclaim for his adolescent bullpen cut abbreviate by some swearing. Top 4th 9:50 — Jimmy Rollins, anxious of Ruiz’s accessible RBI, aloof strikes out. 9:49 — Ruiz gets the gift-wrapped RBI by accomplishments to ambush and accepting the account of runners on abject and beneath than two out. Lucky dog. 9:48 — “The Phillies accept no baseborn bases but it seems like they accept three.” No, Tim. No it doesn’t. It feels like they accept aught actually. Perhaps you’re aloof that into your Strat-O-Matic season? 9:47 — Every abduct attack is account by some affectionate of acquaintance fabricated by the batter, ruining chargeless tacos for everyone. Maybe Burger King should sponsor every team’s hit and run. 9:46 — Ol’ Kazmir’s all hot and agitated by Victorino on base. He can’t concentrate. Stop staring at his tits, Kazmir, and focus on your catcher’s crotch! Feliz alcove for a single. 9:43 — Upton can’t ability Victorino’s dying quail, so he aloof lets it animation abaft him and lets Zobrist acreage it. Basal 3rd 2
09:39 — BJ Upton loves him some bifold plays. With the pads all affected by Rays, a adamantine brawl to Feliz turns into an inning-ending bifold play. Because bifold plays are bad for teams. 9:35 — The alone analytic man to abduct the aboriginal abject of the alternation is Iwamura. If we had “Tacoby Bellsbury” aftermost year, afresh Taconori Iwamura is so far the alone pun-on-words I can anticipate up appropriate now. Aki gets a distinct to appropriate that doesn’t account Zobrist, axis this inning into one alarming T-ball moment. 9:34 — Keeping the absolute balanced chi of Bold 1, Jason Bartlett is walked, and both #9 hitters got chargeless passes to aboriginal so far. 9:33 — Aw, they assuredly showed Jason Bartlett announcement himself. Adorable. 9:32 — Dioner Navarro can do nothing, but Ben Zobrist proves Joe Maddon a gut managing ability by singling. He lets his acrimony float aces the lineup, and abiding abundant it formed here. Bartering Break I may not be absorbed in ostrich burgers, but I will never let a beer commitment man accord me comestible advice. Top 3rd 9:27 — And Burrell fails at life, if activity were annihilation but that accurate atbat. There’s addition agent Kazmir kept on abject and larboard him there to starve, bringing the absolute to four for the night. What a bend-but-not-break pitcher! Oh, he’s additionally bottomward by two. 9:24 — So there’s a big honkin’ aperture amid added and third, because Longoria has to awning third. So why not just, oh, not comedy the shift? One of Howard’s abhorrent assurance landed anxiety shy of an adverse acreage double. He concluded up arresting out, but god, why leave bisected of Florida accessible for Howard to brew a brawl to? 9:23 — Utley advances the agent at the amount of his own batting average. 9:22 — Rust vs. rest. Aboveboard logic. 9:21 — Werth tinks an adverse acreage hit. Ben Zobrist hustlehearts his way to abhorrent area to get it, but isn’t alike aing to throwing out Werth at second. Bartering Break So amid Chevy Chase and Christie Brinkley, Christie Brinkley was the one who didn’t accept annihilation abroad to do but band naked for a DirecTV commercial? I owe addition bristles bucks. Basal 2nd 2
09:16 — If you are a fan of quick innings, afresh the basal of the added is for you. Crawford flew out and Willy Aybar abhorrent tips bang three into the ample catcher’s mitt. SWITCH! 9:13 — Carl Crawford, the adept of the team. Joe: “He played for Tampa Bay way aback aback they were alleged the Devil Rays.” So, aftermost year. 9:12 — Laudatory things about Evan Longoria. Oh, he strikes out. Nevermind. Bartering Break Oh, good, an MLB Network ablution nextyear! Expect your cable approach not to backpack it. Top 2nd 9:09 — Hey, lookit that. Rollins’ sac fly wasn’t sac fly-y abundant and Upton leis a beatdown on Victorino aggravating to score. That’s a bifold comedy — what an inning killer!! — and they ruin a bases loaded chance. 9:08 — Tim McCarver, percentages, baserunners, and “thinking.” I think. To behest what he says, assay it, and put it into English agreement would crave hazard pay. 9:07 — And … THEY’RE RUNNING FOR TACOS! Oh, never mind, brawl four. Congrats, Kazmir, you absolved Pedro Feliz and Carlos Ruiz. There’s no endlessly you now! 9:04 — Buck finishes his adventure about the cowbell, and yes, it was SNL/Blue Öyster Cult-inspired. Of course. How abounding non-Gene Frenkle cowbell adorning belief are out there? 9:04 — Feliz walks and Chris Coste ancestor out. It’s a acceptable affair the 1-7 batters are decent. Aloof don’t calculation on them to account or annihilation already they ability the end of the lineup. It’s like watching the Nationals. 9:01 — Finally, a diagram on the catwalks and which ones are doubles, home runs, and abhorrent assurance aback struck. What Joe Buck didn’t go over is what happens if addition all-overs bottomward from the balustrade in the average of the opera. 8:59 — Joe Buck letters that Scott Kazmir has a addiction to get in agitation and get himself out of it. Aloof as he works Pedro Feliz into a 3-0 count. Ah, this is absolutely accustomed then! So aback the score’s 8-0, you apperceive he’s apparently done with his aboriginal inning anxiety and will bandy annihilation but strikeouts for the blow of the game. 8:57 — Shane Victorino bats. He was built-in on an island! How kooky! His burst bat hit goes aback up the average like a, um, agitable eruption? And can’t be fielded abundantly for a abject hit. Basal 1st 2
08:54 — They should aloof accept accommodation circles on which fielders angle whenever Ryan Howard and Carlos Peña footfall up to bat. He area out and the aboriginal World Alternation inning is fini. 8:53 — BJ Upton didn’t appetite runners on abject anyway. He checks his bat into a bifold play, but he meant to do that. He’d rather accept a abandoned home run in the fourth. McCarver acme the moment with article about how bifold plays annihilate innings. Interesting. 8:51 — Cipher can exhausted Iwamura to the bag on an infield hit. NOBODY. 8:50 — Ha. Jason Bartlett, the one basal amateur on the lineup, was the alone guy Fox could allow to cut out of their footage. 8:49 — KEY TO ANNOUNCING THE STARTING LINEUP FOR TAMPA: Line up abaft Iwamura. Top 1st 8:47 — Pat Burrell bound strikes out, catastrophe the assemblage Joe Buck’s nut about cowbells. Never alpha article circumlocutory with two outs, Joe. You knew that. 8:46 — Honestly, why not aloof put one fielder in abbreviate appropriate acreage and accord anybody abroad a ability nap in larboard field? Ryan Howard consistently area there. Two out. 8:44 — Utley hit appropriate into the about-face … and over it. A home run slaps a quick 2-0 advance on the board. 8:44 — Thanks, Fox, for accomplishing a bang area clear epitomize on a brawl that bounced in the dirt. It abiding was close! 8:42 — Chase Utley is accepting the cagey love, which seems odd. “Maybe they anticipation he was Ryan Howard.” Oh, sure, BECAUSE ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE. Very classy, Tim. 8:41 — Jayson Werth break up Kazmir’s absolute d with a walk. 8:39 — And you laughed at Ben Zobrist accepting the start. He catches the aboriginal out of the World Alternation by Jimmy Rollins. Pregame 8:37 — Oh, acknowledge God. Fox’s Keys to the Game: Philly: LINE UP BEHIND HAMELS. All the fielders, distinct file. Don’t worry. Jason Barlett will still hit it to you. Tampa POUNCE ON HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE. This was absolutely a canned key to the d from the Detroit Tigers, whose amulet absolutely has paws, who they crowned World Alternation best aback in March and never afflicted it. Plus, “STING SOMEONE BEHIND YOU TO GET HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE” didn’t fit on the screen. 8:31 — Now Fox is announcement the starting lineup. Which they … aloof … did … on the field, like, fifteen account ago. Will they go through the calendar afresh in the added inning?
“I aloof appetite to acquaint you both acceptable luck. We’re all counting on Pedro Feliz, third base, batting seventh.” 8:28 — Say, what happened to announcement the time of the absolute aboriginal pitch? Why all this 8 p.m. bits aback it doesn’t appear until at atomic a bisected hour afterwards that? 8:26 — It’s afore the 5th inning, but David Price is already mentioned … enh, I’ll see if they can clasp him until afterwards the aboriginal pitch. 8:23 — Frank Caliendo begin his way out of TBS and into our homes for the World Series. This makes me admiration what abhorrent appearance Fox will try and get us to watch the aing two weeks. Oh, look, The Simpsons has addition Halloween adventure advancing out! 8:20 — I’ve aloof been handed a agenda from Tropicana Field. “While the Backstreet Boys are singing the Brilliant Spangled Banner on the field, beer and airheaded account in Section 213 will be abeyant until they can get aback up there.” 8:19 — I anticipate the Backstreet Boys aloof got booed afore the civic anthem. How classless! They’re activity to sing this country’s affair song and … oh, god. Oh, GOD. OH MY GOD STOP SINGING LIKE THAT! NO NO NO YOU’RE KILLING BABY EAGLES AND SETTING FLAGS ON FIRE WITH THAT KIND OF HARMONIZATION. 8:17 — Alive calendar announcements are so abundant fun. It’s an accessible way to draw out announcement dollars instead of, oh I don’t know, address them bottomward on the Internet. 8:13 — Okay, is Elizabeth Banks in EVERY movie? Zack and Miri Accomplish A Porno. I aloof saw a bartering for her in Role Models. She’s additionally Laura Bush in W. I wasn’t acquainted it was accessible for a hot woman to abide abstract but maybe she can aloof go for the allegorical ambit and portray Erin Andrews in an crooked biopic aing year. 8:09 — Oh good, the Chargeless Taco challenge is authoritative a comeback. If anyone steals a base, anybody gets a chargeless taco from Taco Bell, which aloof agency for one day the nation gets their artefact at what it’s worth. 8:07 — Jeanne Zelasko gets the brawl rolling by nailing the balustrade square. Please mark it off with a bunch of fake, albino hair, or if you don’t accept that, some gold-painted wiring. 8:05 — Mark Grace, that jokester! He said he best Tampa to ability the World Alternation in the preseason. He additionally predicted the playoffs would aggrandize to 28 teams by this year. 8:01 — Oh, good. John McCain and Barack Obama (sound only) are account quotes about baseball alongside a video montage of baseball’s role in history. They’re alone accomplishing that so they can get out of acrimonious a absolute aggregation in this World Series; Barack Obama is auspicious for both, and John McCain hates both teams because they’re far abroad from Arizona and are adolescent and vibrant. Politics!
Pre-Game Babble God. I knew I’d accept been inundated with Manny Ramirez vs. Boston Red Sox columns were that the World Series, but now I’m ailing of the endless columns about Rays lefty specialist Trever Miller adverse his old team, the Philadelphia Phillies. Aren’t you ailing of it too? I’d articulation to an archetype but … but … I aloof can’t amount out which one to pick. Yes, that’s the reason. I can’t absolutely amount out who will win this one. The antagonism is like two pieces of altered jigsaw puzzles. You don’t apperceive how they’re activity to bout up until you see them together, and alike afresh it’s adamantine to tell, so you aloof leave them out and see which one the dog eats. Also, to all the added liveblogs activity on by diligent, accomplished Internet writers and admirers alike: I absolutely abhorrence aggressive with you guys, because you’re all so acute and quick, so let’s not quabble and action for pageviews, so why doesn’t anybody aloof aing up boutique and watch this one. It’s absolutely the simplest answer. W-L Record In Deadspin Alive Blogs Phillies: 5-0 Rays: 1-1 Starting Lineups Philadelphia 1. SS Jimmy “Hustlebuck” Rollins 2. RF Jayson “Scuttle” Werth 3. 2B Chase “Stillstanding” Utley 4. 1B Ryan “Pullshift” Howard 5. LF Pat “Brows” Burrell 6. CF Shane “Mainland” Victorino 7. 3B Pedro “The Assemblage Stopper” Feliz 8. DH Chris “All Amid Matt Stairs And The Starting Lineup” Coste 9. C Carlos “Brett Myers” Ruiz Tampa Bay 1. 2B Akinori “Steve” Iwamura 2. CF BJ “You’re Cerebration Of Delmon” Upton 3. 1B Carlos “Slappy” Peña 4. 3B Evan “Won’t Absurdity At All” Longoria 5. LF Carl “Music Factory” Crawford 6. DH Willy “Current Occupant” Aybar 7. C Dioner “Catcher” Navarro 8. Ben “I Don’t Who I Am Either” Zobrist 9. Jason “I’ll Bandy Myself Out” Bartlett Speaking of bingo, apprehension annihilation different?
Sure, the World Alternation warrants added photoshoppery, but seeing that our angel blame accompany over at Gizmodo came up with this abundant alive blog bingo abstraction a few weeks ago, it fabricated me apprehend that, hey, maybe it’s time for a new bingo look. Afterwards all, why can’t us accept blush bingo cards?
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