March 02, 1997|By DAVE BARRY | DAVE BARRY,Knight-Ridder News Service
You can say what you appetite about us bi-weekly journalists. You can say that we are atheistic, liberal, family-hating, snake-worshiping, Communist perverts. You can say that we dress like the appearance Ratso in the 1969 cine “Midnight Cowboy” and allegedly accept our beard styled by affronted wrens. But the one affair you CAN’T say about us is that we don’t accept our mistakes.
Yes, we accept fabricated some doozies. Everyone remembers the acclaimed 1948 account of Harry Truman captivation up a archetype of the Chicago Tribune with a huge front-page banderole declaring DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN. But what bodies don’t bethink is that the actual aing day, the Tribune adapted that absurdity with a front-page banderole declaring DEWEY DEFEATS COOLIDGE.
That is the aerial accepted of accurateness to which we authority ourselves. And that is why, today, I appetite to actual a account that I fabricated in a contempo cavalcade about a badge administrator in a Finnish burghal alleged Espoo who invented a harpoon for cars.
In that column, I declared that Finland is additionally accepted as “Norway.” Shortly thereafter, I accustomed dozens of letters, and do you apperceive what they said? That’s right: I may already accept won $10 million!
But I additionally accustomed a lot of letters, some of them absolutely affronted in tone, advertence that Finland is NOT additionally accepted as “Norway.” A archetypal account came from Patty Young, who wrote: “Though Finland and Norway are both aural Europe, they are two alone countries.” Another writer, Elizabeth Natti, acclaimed that “Finland was the alone adopted country that paid off its World War I debt to the United States.” She additionally took affair with my advancement that the borough adage of Espoo should be “The Burghal That Sounds Like A Person Spitting.” She states that “there is no ‘Pe’ complete in the Finnish alphabet,” and accordingly “Espoo” is arresting “Es-BOO.”
So I ambition to aboveboard apologize and affair the afterward corrections:
1. Finland is NOT additionally accepted as “Norway.” Finland is, in fact, additionally accepted as “Sweden.”
2. The borough adage of Espoo should be “The Burghal That Sounds Like A Person Barfing.”
3. None of this should be construed in any way as a criticism of Neil Diamond.
Now that we’ve austere that up, let’s get to the absolute purpose of this column, which is an alarming medical analysis that was fabricated during valentine division by active clairvoyant Dr. S. Scott Hanan, a ancestors practitioner who allegedly has (1) admission to medical analysis abstracts and (2) a lot of additional time.
Dr. Hanan’s discovery, which he backs up with six pages of diagrams from medical books, is that — adapt to be abashed — the animal affection is NOT shaped like the valentine-style affection that is acclimated in bonbon boxes, cartoons, tattoos and the signatures of women alleged “Brandi.” By way of proof, Dr. Hanan beatific a medical diagram of a animal heart; it looks like a affiliate of the mollusk family. Right aing to this diagram, for allegory purposes, Dr. Hanan — who notes, “I am a medical doctor, and accordingly added than able to animadversion on such matters” — has fatigued a accepted valentine “heart” and written, “I DON’T THINK SO!”
And that is not all. Dr. Hanan has additionally advised the medical xTC abstract to see if any animal agency IS shaped like a valentine. He begin one: It is the PROSTATE GLAND. He amid several prostate diagrams, and there can be no doubt: It’s a asleep ringer.
This analysis has MAJOR implications, and not aloof for bodies who comedy arch (“I bid three prostates”). It additionally agency that there are thousands, conceivably millions, of bearded men walking about with the chat “Mom” tattooed on a account of a prostate gland. But the better appulse has to be on the greeting-card industry, which I brainstorm will accept to anamnesis the billions of prostate cards it has awash over the years.
In an accomplishment to barometer the admeasurement of this crisis, I alleged the Hallmark greeting-card company, which is amid in Missouri (also accepted as “Kansas”). I batten with backer Allison Novela and told her about the heart/prostate situation. She arrested into it, and, a abbreviate while later, alleged aback to apprehend this statement, which I am not authoritative up:
“The doctor is actual about the appearance of the animal heart. However, Hallmark absitively to cede accurateness for sales afterwards the poor achievement of the afterward verse:
Valentine, I’d chase you bright ‘cross state,
For you to authority the key to my prostate.
So that settles that. All that charcoal to be done now is fowhoever is in allegation of these things to accelerate Dr. Hanan his Nobel Prize and a ample banknote award. Speaking of which, I accept this important advertisement for those nations that accept not yet paid off their World War I debts to the United States: It’s NOT too late! Accelerate the money to me, and I assure you that will be the end of it.
Pub Date: 3/02/97
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