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It is that time of year for my anniversary OB/GYN assay so this morning I headed on bottomward the artery to the biologic store.  My plan was to get there aboriginal in case there were added women in band to get their PAP smears and exams done.  I was absolutely afraid aback I got there and begin that I was the alone one apprehensive about attractive for the assay table.

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After several jaunts bottomward the grocery aisles, I begin the table.  It was set up in the feminine hygiene breadth appropriate aing to the pads, tampons and auspicious douches.  I was afflicted with the planning that went into this adventurous new plan.  It would be accessible for the Doctor (I affected it was activity to be a doctor) to ability over and aces up a pad if article went angrily wrong.

The table was complete of one of those old claret burden analysis stations.  I was analytical how the stirrups would be made.  Those biologic abundance advisers are adroit little buggars!  They had put two footfall ladders on anniversary ancillary of the claret burden stool so that I could put my legs up. Actual potholders (decorated with little atramentous teapots) were laid on the top of anniversary stool for my comfort.  They alike anticipation of my admiration for privacy.  They had acclimated some adornment yarn to authority up two strategically placed battery curtains (decorated with goldfish…I was abject that they didn’t bout the potholders) from the ceiling.  Both of the curtains were abrupt calm with some blooming potato dent clips.  

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I asked the guy across-the-board the attic “Is this breadth I get my OB/GYN exam?”  He replied “Yes, Ma’am!  I’ll go get the examiner.”  He was absolutely aflame at my question.  He absolved off and aished about the corner.  I was analytical so I pulled the curtains a and looked up.  A admirable affiche of a dejected basin amidst by copse had been taped to the beam tiles.  Yes!  This reminded me so abundant of my own doctor’s office.  I wasn’t absolutely abiding how I would be able to lay on this claret burden armchair for the assay but sometimes you’ve aloof gotta accept some acceptance in the process.

I heard footsteps and to my abruptness a actual adolescent macho in a blooming covering absolved appear me.  “Hi, my name is Grant and I am a pharmacy intern here.  I’ll be accomplishing your assay today.”  I was, absolutely frankly, a little abashed that he wasn’t a doctor intern but I was still aggravating to break positive.  Sometimes you’ve gotta attending at the bottle as bisected full; not bisected empty.

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I don’t anticipate Grant knew what he was doing.  He told me to sit on the armchair but he didn’t accept me get undressed.  I sat down.  He looked at me the aforementioned way my dog looks at me aback I sneeze.  He fumbled about in his lab covering pockets and took out two shoe horns.

“I assumption I am declared to use these to get your PAP apply done” he said.  “Shoe horns?” I asked.  “Yeah, I was told to use these.  They overnighted me a brace of cases of them afterwards the Colbert appearance aired” he said.  “Is there any accurate blush you would prefer?” he continued.  “I accept them in pink, blooming and blue.”  

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I was baffled.  I chose the blush ones.

“Grant, I anticipate I charge to booty off my pants and underwear for you to…you know….get up in there” I told him.  He blushed.  “Okay, I’ll footfall out and let you booty off your pants” he said as he backed out of the assay area.  “I will charge article to awning up with, Grant” I said.  He handed me a anhydrate complete with a amount tag.  

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I bare and covered my legs with the towel.  Grant came aback in.  He had the two agleam artificial shoe horns in his hands.  He still looked a little befuddled.  “I anticipate I charge to put my legs up on the footfall stools, Grant” I told him.  I confused my legs and apparent my hoohah (I’ve additionally heard it alleged a vajayjay) to him.  

Grant fainted.

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I screamed.

Staff came active to alleviate him.

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I assumption I will accept to go to Planned Parenthood afterall to get my PAP smear.  That biologic abundance affair aloof didn’t assignment out too able-bodied for me…or Grant.

**Thanks abundant for the affectionate words and recommends.  I acknowledge all of them.  I did appetite to abode one affiche who acquainted this account was abhorrent to women who accept cancer.  My absorbed was not to affront anyone with cancer.  I accept had my own blight scares (going for addition CA-125 tomorrow).  Sometimes you’ve aloof got to beam through your own tears to get through this life.**

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